Married with Children and a Pesky Cat and Mouse
by Yunaman
Summary: Al is hired by Mammy Two Shoes to catch Jerry, but Al soon finds out that cathing that pesky mouse isn't as easy as it seems.


Married with Children and a Pesky Cat and Mouse

Al groaned as he was getting for yet another day of trying to fit small size shoes on women, whose feet were frankly bigger than his head for less than minimum wage. But at least, it kept him away from the house.

The door opened ringing the small bell, which indicated that a customer had entered. Al looked around half filled with disgust and half with curiosulity about what shape the next fat chick's body would be. A rather plump black woman dressed like a maid entered the shop. Her look was vaguely 50-ish, which gave Al a feeling of nostalgia. Plus she wasn't as fat as most of the hippopotami he would usually get at this time of the morning.

''What'll it be? Size S or XS.'' The Bundy Patriarch said sarcastically and with the emotion of Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Terminator movies.

''Look Honey, I ain't here to buy some of them goddamn shoes, maohfucka!'' The middle aged woman said breaking all respect Al had for her instantly.

''Then please, leave.'' Al said pointing his finger at the door.

''I ain't leaving, coz I need yo help, cracka! You're Al maohfuckin Bundy, ain't ya.''

''Yes and you're probably an elephant escaped for the zoo.'' Al said slowly deadpan.

''Funny, cracka! I like yo sense a humor, but I need yo help. I'm Mammy Two Shoes. You know, that negro chick from Tom and Jerry. The same. I want you to help me with a mouse problem I have.'' Mammy spat out quicker than a machine gun during World War II.

''And why should I help you?''

''Because you're the great Al Bundy. Everyone's heard of ya. Even in my native New Orleans, moahfucka!  
>You're the best playa from Polk High.''<p>

''I did score 4 touchdowns in one game, after all.'' Al blushed. ''But I'm still not helping you. There's nothing in it for me.''

''I'll pay ya 50 bucks, cracka.''

''50 bucks!'' Al froze for a second with a dopey expression, imagining the food he would eat and the hooters he'd see in the issue of Big 'uns.

''But only after you help me.'' Two Shoes interjected him.

Later

Al arrived in Mommy Two Shoes's new employer's house, which was evidently Marcy and Jefferson's house.

''But this is that no brested chicken's house. I try to avoid her.''

''Shut up, cracka. I work here. You don't embarass me in front of ma employers.'' Mammy said angrily.

''Oh hello, Mammy.'' Marcy said as she strode past her in a green velvet blouse and trainers. ''So I see you've hired Al to get rid of the mouse. I'm sure his socks's smell could kill it from a 10 mile radius.''

''Oh hey there, Marcy. I didn't notice it was you. I thought you were Jefferson by looking at that flat chest.'' Al said in his traditional offensive style.

Marcy's face reddened in anger. ''Just make sure you catch that mouse or else negresse here gets fired.''

''I didn't you were racist Marcy. Femnazi yes, but this...'' Al said hidding his disgust under a facade of not giving a shit.

''Didn't you know, yellow tooth. I'm a member of the Ku Klux Klan. In fact, the only thing that's keeping me from not paying her and killing her now with a screw driver is my sense of honor and the current laws of the USA. Bye, blacky!'' Marcy said derogatorily an left laughing like a retard.

Al sighed. ''Well how hard can it be to stop a mouse?''

Suddenly Tom and Jerry sped through the room, making Al slip and nearly killing him by breaking his back.

''It's harda then it looks, cracka! Now get to work.'' Mammy ordered.

Some time later

Al had gotten a conventional mouse trap ready. It had cheese in it an he had used cheese scented parfume to attract Jerry easily. He placed the trap near the mouse hole.

''This'll be a piece of cake.'' Al snickered.

Behind him Tom was laughing like crazy, while laying on his bed cushion.

''Oh, shut up you smartass cat!'' Al said and back off to watch as Jerry's spine would be severed by the murderous contraption.

Jerry slowly came out of the hole, took the cheese, eat it slowly and without worry, while on the trap and slowly went back into his hole. The trap did not snap not even once.

''What the h-'' Al said picking up the trap, but it snapped quickly severing a few fingers and severly damaging his hand. Blood sprayed everywhere as Tom laughed at his failure. Al growled at him a little and took a hammer, bashing a wall like crazy, while listening to where Jerry was with a stethoscope.

''Aha! I found you!'' Al cried out and smashed the hammer with all of his strenght at the wall, where Jerry was. But instead of killing Jerry the entire wall fell on him crushing him. That wall, being part of the base of the house made part of the second floor colapse all over Al, crushing him as he screamed like a school girl. By this point Tom was dying from laughter.

''That's it!'' Al snapped. He took a wooden spoon and stabbed Tom in the ass with it. Tom yelped and flew up screaming in his typical cartoon fashion. Al then took Tom and put him in a bowl of boiling Crystal Pepsi removing all of his fur in seconds. Tom jumped from the bowl and desperately tried to run away from the angry shoe salesman, while meowing for help in pain. Every cell in his body screamed in pain.

Al picked Tom and sadistically mashed his head against the TV (which coincidentally showed Full House at this point) to smitherines, making Tom's head all bloody. Tom let out a last meow and Al mowed him down with the land mower ending his misery finally. Al had layed out on Tom all of the anger he had stored in him through the years, every single time his family took his money and made him miserable,  
>every time he had to touch sumo chicks's feet and everytime he had to wash Peg's mother's back.<p>

''Now it's time for you, you fucking mouse. DIE!'' Al drove the dodge through the door destroying everything in its path and passing through the remains of Jerry's hole. He passed several times in reverse just to make sure. He emptied the car's gas tank and along with a petrol container he sprayed the flammable liquid all over the house. He then took his father's trusty flame thrower and set the house ablaze from a distance. He watched, almost getting an orgasm for the first time in years, as Marcy's house burning to the ground in second, until it exploded into an giant inferno as a finally to all the destruction. Al's inner arsonist/killer was pleased.

''What the hell happened to my house?"' Marcy cried as she exited her car with Mammy Two Shoes. Both of them watched in horro the remaining fire.

''I got rid of the mouse.'' Al said slowly like a boss.

''But my house, my money, Jefferson, Steve's money, all of my property, everything. It's gone.'' Marcy was horrified. A single tear went down her cheek.

''Well, as long as the mouse is killed. Yo'll get yo money, cracka.'' Two shoes said and took out two twenty dollar bills and a single ten dollar one.

Suddenly a minute cough could be heard. It was Jerry. He had survived the burning down of Marcy's house.  
>He was a little dirty, but not hurt. He smilled a little like a little shit at the fit of luck he had just had. Al started to tremble a little. He looked at Jerry, eyes red filled with fire.<p>

Without saying a single word he rushed at Jerry and grabbed him, before he had time to do anything.  
>He started to slowly pull Jerry's limbs until he pulled rapidly severing all of jerry's four legs, making him yelp in pain. He then threw him on the ground and started to angrily mash him, until Jerry was reduced to a pile of bloody mush. He then took the mush, burned it, smoked the ashes, traped the exhaled smoke in a small jar, blew up the jar, cryogenically froze the remaining glass, then shoved up Jefferson's corpse's ass, took the cadavre to Cape Canaveral and put it on the Challenger shuttle, which blew up destroying everything.<p>

''That mouse is no more!'' Al said.

''Here da money, moafucka!'' Mammy gave him the 50 bucks.

''Time to eat like a king and look at hooters all day.'' Al said overjoyed, he was starting to calm down.

''Oh, Al. There you are. Where've you been all of this time. It's time for my daily allowance.'' Peg said,  
>took the 50 bucks from Al and ran off to go shopping.<p>

Al fell to the ground not knowing what to do. His eyes widened, his chest expanded as he inhaled some air. He took a machete and put on his football hemlet. ''Let's Rock!'' He said.

FIN 


End file.
